


oops

by ohmcfuckivemcfallen



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Domestic Avengers, Dramatic Tony Stark, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Harley Keener & Peter Parker Friendship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Meme Lord Peter Parker, Meme Lord Shuri (Marvel), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Peter Parker & Shuri Friendship, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Team as Family, both peter and harley are very stupid but like in a bisexual way, meme lord harley keener, no beta we die like my hopes for marvel, we been knew but like
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:01:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27473200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmcfuckivemcfallen/pseuds/ohmcfuckivemcfallen
Summary: Peter, Harley, and Shuri are three over caffeinated (or just over dramatic) teenagers, Tony is like 90% sure he doesn't actually have kids despite what Peter and Harley keep saying, Natasha is scary, and everyone should really probably just go to sleep. Also: cereal.
Relationships: Harley Keener & Peter Parker, Harley Keener & Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Harley Keener & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Shuri, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 6
Kudos: 66





	1. adventures in cereal because I'm hungry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote these first couple chapters like two years ago, had a crisis and deleted everything, but now it's back up again happy 2020 i guess. they are dated, I won't apologize, and I don't feel like making them not dated anymore so just enjoy the cringe

Peter walked into Tony’s workshop carrying a disturbingly large glass of milk. “Mr. Stark, we’re out of bowls.”

The man bent over the workshop table didn’t look up. “I highly doubt that, Pete.”

Peter shook his head, even though Tony couldn’t see. “But we _are_. I tried to get cereal this morning and there weren’t any clean bowls.”

“First of all, dishes being dirty doesn’t count as us not having any. If you’d just _do the dishes_ this wouldn’t be an issue. Second of all, it’s like nine p.m.-”

“Actually, boss,” FRIDAY cut in, “it’s noon.” Tony’s fidgeting hands paused.

“Really?”

“Mr. Stark, you should sleep.”

Tony finally looked up from his work, mouth open to offer some argument, only to stop and stare. “Kid,” he said, voice strangely high pitched. “Pete. Underoos. Kiddo. What is in that cup?”

Peter looked from Tony, to his glass, back to Tony. “Frosted flakes?”

Voice still an octave above normal, Tony squeaked, “Why do you have frosted flakes in a water glass?”

Peter stared at him with deceptively innocent eyes. “I told you we were out of bowls.”

“ _Then wash a fucking bowl_.”

“But this was easier?”

“ _Peter_ ,” Tony’s voice sounded pained. 

“Mr. Stark,” Peter returned.

“You can’t just-“ Tony waved his hands wide, indicating the entire, thoroughly abhorrent situation he was currently suffering, “-just-you can’t just _drink cereal_ when you don’t want to wash a dish. It goes against the natural order of things. It’s _disgusting_. It’s like if you put your socks on sock-shoe-sock-shoe. There are some things that are just incorrect, and this is one of them.” 

Peter just made careful eye contact and took a long drink of his cereal, then held it as he slowly chewed. Tony made a noise similar to a wounded animal and collapsed into a chair. “Get out.”

“But Mr. Stark, the bowls-“

“Get out. I never want to see this abomination again, kid. You hear me? Never. I will throw all the cereal away.” Peter squawked in indignation, clutching his frosted flakes to his chest as though Tony might throw them out then and there. A bit of milk slopped onto the floor. Tony stared at it with obvious pain, even as DUMM-E shuffled over to the spill with a mop held upside down. Tony looked utterly gutted, all hope sucked from his slumped form. Peter began to slowly back from the room, still clutching his cereal, eyeing Tony warily.

“Mr. Stark, are you okay?”

“ _Out_ , Pete. Now. Before I call Natasha.” Peter’s eyes grew larger, shoulders hunching to surround his cereal glass as best he could. 

“But that isn’t fair! She‘d _murder_ me!” Tony quirked an eyebrow as though to say _exactly_. 

Peter stared in apparent horror. “You’re trying to kill me!”

Tony raised a brow. “You think you’re the one in danger here? Kid, you're going to give me an ulcer. My heart can't handle these things!”

“Cereal?” 

“You.”

“Mr. Stark-”

“Out.”

”We can’t just buy more bowls?”

”FRIDAY, call Nat.”

Peter let out a yelp and turned tail, still hugging the glass to his chest.

**_peter parkour to Tuna Stank:_ **

_peter parkour:_ mr stark were out of cereal

**_Tuna Stank is online_ **

_tuna stank:_ Good. Do the dishes

 _peter parkour:_ but thats wat the dihs was set is 4

 _peter parkour:_ dish washer

 _peter parkour:_ i want more frosted flaeks :(

 _tuna stank:_ No. Wash the dishes

 _peter parkour:_ :(

 _tuna stank:_ F

 _tuna stank:_ I’ll buy you more frosted flakes

 _peter parkour:_ :)

**_peter parkour went offline_ **

_tuna stank:_ NO FIRST DO THE DISHES

 _tuna stank:_ PETE GET BACK HERE

 _tuna stank:_ If i ever see you drinking cereal from a cup again i’m grounding you forever

**_tuna stank went offline_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are very cool and sexy, and if you leave one you too are automatically cool and sexy. cereal and sock-shoe discourse welcome


	2. peter meets shuri and i need sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still dated, kinda hurt to read, but it's fine. cereal is once again a main character

Peter swung into the compound kitchen from the top of the stairs, misjudged his height, and landed on his ass in the kitchen sink. For a second he just sat there, utterly disoriented and also suffering a severe pain in his back where the faucet had hit. He was, in fact, so out of it that it took Peter a full thirty seconds to realize someone was laughing at him. There was another teenager sitting at the kitchen island, phone in hand, giggling madly.

It took a second for that information to compute, and then Peter drew himself up with all the righteous rage one could have immediately after falling into a sink. “What do you think  _ you’re  _ laughing at?”

She blinked slowly at him. “You. Obviously.”

“Bitch.”

“Blocked.” Peter felt his lips twitch up against his will, knowing exactly how the following events would transpire.

“No wait,” he said, “unblock me. I have something else to say.”

The girl paused for a moment, clearly enjoying the exchange just as much as Peter. “Fine. Unblocked.”

“ _ Bitch _ .” The girl dissolved into giggles yet again, this time with Peter joining in. Beneath the laughter he thought he heard her mutter something along the lines of  _ Bitch lasagna _ . Peter let out a snort, hand immediately clapping over his mouth as his eyes widened in mortification. 

The girl just took a heaving breath and laughed harder. “I’m going to kill myself,” Peter said. “I’m going to swing over to the empire building and throw myself off.” The girl kept laughing. Peter deflated, any hope of making the impression of a serious intern ruined, before jolting forward again with a shouted “MOTHER  _ TRUCKER _ !”

The girl’s laughter cut off abruptly, and there was a moment of silence before she replied, “Watch your profanity!” Peter just stared at her in abject horror. Not only had he just slumped back on the faucet  _ again _ , but it had finally hit him that he’d just swung into the compound in front of a stranger. With a web. With his mask off. And then promptly landed in a sink.

“Mr. Stark is going to  _ murder  _ me. My life is over. He’s going to take a wrench and fillet me. He’ll cut off all my toes.  _ Oh my god I’m actually going to kill myself _ .” Peter was quickly dissolving into hysterics, arms flying around as though to highlight the absolute disaster he was currently in. “ _ Fuck _ ,” he added, recoiling from where he’d slammed his elbow into the counter. “I’m going to walk into the ocean. That’s it. I’m done. This is the end of me. I proclaim myself deceased. Time to live out the rest of my days as a single cell organism and get eaten by whales. Holy fucking  _ fuck _ . I need cereal.” Peter tried to hoist himself from where he had landed only to collide with the faucet once again.

“Wow,” said the girl. “You are incredibly dramatic. Just be a goddamn clothing hanger, jesus.”

Peter paused in his struggle to remove himself from the sink to stare at the girl. “You slide into my DMs, quote memes at me, ruin my life, and now you have the  _ audacity  _ to offer me the future of clothing hanger, as though I have that kind of  _ potential _ ? What the  _ fuck _ , Richard?”

The girl crossed her arms in clear indignation. “ _ First of all _ , my name is not Richard. You think I would still be  _ alive _ if my name was  _ Richard _ ? Pathetic. Second of all, I take personal offense to that. As though I could ruin your life. The only thing I’m doing is making it better.” She glanced at Peter, who was still attempting to escape the sink. “Though I doubt that’s a very difficult achievement.”

Peter stared at her. “Not to be sexist or anything, but who  _ are  _ you?”

The girl shook her head disappointedly. “I’m Shuri. You’re Spiderman. It’s Wednesday, my dudes.”

Peter finally freed himself from the sink and walked over to his personal cereal cabinet. “I am going to walk off a cliff. I’m going to murder myself. I’m going to sink into the floorboards and never come out. Fuck, I outed myself as Spiderman to the princess of Wakanda.  _ Fuck _ , I quoted vines at her.” He glanced over his shoulder. “Do you think it’s too late to shove myself down the food disposal?”

Shuri just wrinkled her nose. “Gross.”

“Uno reverse.”

“Cancelled.”

“No you.”

Shuri let out an indignant huff and Peter smiled around his mouthful of dry cinnamon toast crunch. “Wait,” she said after a few moments of Peter crunching in silence, “what’s your name, Spiderman?”

Peter shoved another handful of cereal into his mouth and then turned on the faucet that had done him so much damage to take a gulp of water. “Peter Parker.”

“Well, Peter Parker, in spite of your disgraceful cereal eating habits, you don’t suck.

“Oh no,” Peter said seriously. “Don’t underestimate me. I definitely do.” The second the words left his mouth Peter winced. “Um. I take it back?”

Shuri just shook her head, already laughing hysterically. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i skipped physics for this, which was an awful decision, and i demand (see: ask politely) compensation in the form of comments. also bagels are really good, which isn't related but an important sentiment nonetheless.


	3. in which peter's life is threatened multiple times, but like...in a good way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i guess this is a chat fic now?

**_️️️️️️️️_ ** ️️️️️ **_B eter B arker_ ** _to_ **_Antony Shark_ ** _and_ **_shuriously_ ** _:_

 _B eter B arker:_ mr stark we’re you planning on telling me the bitch of wakanda was here before or after i swung into a sink?????

 _B eter B arker:_ were

 _B eter B arker:_ sorry daddy i was bad

 **_shuriously_ ** _is online_

 **_shuriously_ ** _has changed_ **_B eter B arker_ ** _’s name to_ **_dick disposal_ **

_dick disposal:_ i cant believe you’ve done this

 _shuriously:_ how dare you type such a thing in my good christian minecraft server

 _dick disposal:_ bold of you to assume i typed it

 _shuriously:_ thats what you decide to call out????

 _shuriously:_ the typing??????

 **_dick disposal_ ** _has named the chat_ **_yo yo yo gamers_ **

_shuriously:_ i will snap your flat furry ass so hard

 _dick disposal:_ MR STARK SHE CALLED ME A FURRY COME FIRE HER

 _shuriously:_ you whore-

 _dick disposal:_ :(

 _shuriously:_ your shit wont work on me furry man

 **_Antony Shark_ ** _is online_

 _Antony Shark:_ Kid what the hell

 _dick disposal:_ mr stark fire her

 _Antony Shark:_ Kid what. The. Hell. 

**_Antony Shark_ ** _has changed_ **_Antony Shark_ ** _’s name to_ **_Tony Stark_ **

**_Tony Stark_ ** _has changed_ **_dick disposal_ ** _’s name to_ **_Underoos_ **

_Underoos:_ mr stark no

 **_shuriously_ ** _has changed the chat name to_ **_shuri and the furry gang_ **

**_Underoos_ ** _has changed the chat name to_ **_no fuk u_ **

_Tony Stark:_ I-

 _Tony Stark:_ Never mind

 **_Tony Stark_ ** _went offline_

 **_Underoos_ ** _has changed the chat name to_ **_now look what you've done_ **

**_shuriously_ ** _has changed the chat name to_ **_shuri and the furry_ **

**_Underoos_ ** _has changed the chat name to_ **_this is why mom doesnt fucking love you_ **

_Underoos:_ im still mad at u

 **_shuriously_ ** _has changed the chat name to_ **_everyone loves me pussy_ **

_shuriously:_ lmao why

 **_Underoos_ ** _has changed the chat name to_ **_technically your brothers the pussy_ **

_Underoos:_ because your mean

 _shuriously:_ youre*

 _Underoos:_ i meant what i said

 **_shuriously_ ** _has changed the chat name to_ **_eat ass suck a dick and sell drugs furry man_ **

_shuriously:_ I'm literally the nicest person alive but go off

 **_Underoos_ ** _has changed the chat name to_ **_bold of u to assume I haven't already_ **

_Underoos:_ go off a bridge u mean? will do thanks for the offer

 **_shuriously_ ** _has left the chat_

 _Underoos:_ wait no come back

 **_Underoos_ ** _has added_ **_shuriously_ ** _to the chat_

 _shuriously:_ let me lIVE

 _Underoos:_ lol what life

 **_shuriously_ ** _has left the chat_

 **_Underoos_ ** _has added_ **_shuriously_ ** _to the chat_

 _shuriously:_ the fuck do you want asshole

 **_Tony Stark_ ** _is online_

 _Tony Stark:_ Kids what the fuck go to bed

 _Underoos:_ long start short i have a bag of jelly beans up my ass and i need your help

 _Tony Stark:_ Pete it’s 3 am go to sleep

 _shuriously:_ its 3 am for u too

 _shuriously:_ u should sleep

 _Tony Stark:_ Shut up parker go to sleep

 _Underoos:_ no

 _shuriously:_ yea parker shut up and go to slepe

 _Tony Stark:_ Both of you need to sleep actually

 _Underoos:_ i dont wanna

 _shuriously:_ uno reverse

 _Tony Stark:_ Sleep

 _shuriously:_ no

 _Underoos:_ no

 **_Tony Stark_ ** _has added_ **_Murder Spider_ ** _to the chat_

 _Murder Spider:_ what is this why am i here

 _Tony Stark:_ Make them sleep

 **_Murder Spider_ ** _has changed their name to_ **_NATurally a bitch_ **

_NATurally a bitch:_ go to sleep

 _Underoos:_ but i don't want to

 _shuriously:_ hi

 _NATurally a bitch:_ hi. all of you sleep. toby you too

 **_shuriously_ ** _has changed_ **_Tony Stark_ ** _’s name to_ **_toby stark_ **

_toby stark:_ No why

 _Underoos:_ no why

 _NATurally a bitch:_ parker do you want to play this game

 _Underoos:_ ,,,,,,no

 **_Underoos_ ** _has gone offline_

 _toby stark:_ Why does he never listen to me

 _NATurally a bitch:_ you too toby

 _shuriously:_ i cant believe you've done this

 _NATurally a bitch:_ sleep

 _toby stark:_ i need to work

 _NATurally a bitch:_ sleep

 _shuriously:_ im a bad bitch u cant kill me

 _NATurally a bitch:_ i know exactly where you are right now i can and i will

 _shuriously:_ ana oo-

 _NATurally a bitch:_ 5

 _NATurally a bitch:_ 4

 _NATurally a bitch:_ 3

 **_shuriously_ ** _has gone offline_

 _NATurally a bitch:_ i do all the work around here

 _toby stark:_ Thank you

 _toby stark:_ I swear they're going to kill me

 _NATurally a bitch:_ toby you didn't sleep last night i want you in bed immediately

 _toby stark:_ Why do you know that

 _NATurally a bitch:_ :)

 **_toby stark_ ** _has changed_ **_toby stark_ ** _’s name to_ **_toby scared_ **

_NATurally a bitch:_ sleep

 _NATurally a bitch:_ friday will open the door for me dont force me to do this

 _toby scared:_ Nat I have work

 _NATurally a bitch:_ 5

 _toby scared:_ Nat I'm not a child

 _NATurally a bitch:_ 4

 _toby scared:_ Nat please-

 _NATurally a bitch:_ 3

 _toby scared:_ I need to work stop

 _NATurally a bitch:_ 2

 _NATurally a bitch:_ 1

 _NATurally a bitch:_ anthony edward stark don't make me do this

 _toby scared:_ Nat I don't want to

 _NATurally a bitch:_ :))

 **_toby stark_ ** _has gone offline_

 _NATurally a bitch:_ :)

 **_NATurally a bitch_ ** _has gone offline_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cannot express my hatred of formatting.


	4. attack of the rabid candles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> candles

“Mr. Stark.”

“What is it, kid?”

“I think the candles are moving.”

Tony didn’t turn from where he was examining a fake potted plant. “Pete, did you have coffee again?”

“Mr. Stark, you know I swore off coffee.”

Tony just sighed. “Where’s Shuri?”

“Oh.” Peter frowned. “I think she went to look at the mugs. I swear the candles are moving—Mr. Stark _look_.”

Tony turned. The candles were stationary. He went back to studying various plant pots. 

“Fine,” grumbled Peter. “I’m going to find Shuri. She’ll listen to me.” Tony didn’t particularly believe him, but he still turned to look at the candles again, squinting at them. He thought maybe they quivered a little, but Tony also hadn’t slept in forty-eight hours. He gave it a fifty-fifty chance he was just hallucinating. Tony turned to the pillows. They were all too inspirational. Who the fuck wanted a throw pillow covered in inspirational messages? It was sickening.

There was a thump. Tony turned back but saw nothing. It was noon on a Wednesday. Peter had convinced him to take him and Shuri to Target for _some goddamn reason_ , and now Tony was stuck browsing pillows while his two charges narrowly avoided disaster. He glared at a pillow covered in banana leaves and golden sparkles. 

Tony’s phone buzzed.

 **_Underoos_ ** _to_ **_Tony Spork_ ** _:_

 _Underoos:_ mr stark were at the pnecil isle

 _Underoos:_ aile

 _Underoos:_ aisle

 _Underoos:_ come get us shuri wont let em leave

Tony sighed and glanced at the candles one last time. He thought maybe one had turned a bit to the left. True to Peter’s word, Tony found them in the writing section, browsing pens as Shuri mocked various monthly planners. 

“Mr. Stark, Shuri believes me about the candles! I _told_ you.”

Tony pinched the bridge of his nose. _Jesus christ_. 

“I didn’t say I believe you,” Shuri replied. “I said that I wouldn’t be surprised. I also wouldn’t be surprised if my brother developed a sudden fear of water. You shouldn’t judge things by my impressive levels of unflappability.”

Peter turned to her with a frown. “What the _fuck_ is unflappability?”

“Language, kid.” 

Shuri scoffed and moved to the next aisle. 

“Mr. Stark, holy crap.”

“Kid you’re on thin fucking ice-“

“No, Mr. Stark, the candles!”

Tony turned with the full intent to tell Peter that _candles couldn’t move, christ-_ except there, on the floor right in front of Peter, was a small army of scented candles. 

“What the fuck.”

The candles were all standing in an arrow formation. At Tony’s words the head candle pivoted so its label faced him. Tony watched, trying to decide if the candles posed any threat. The head candle’s wick lit into a small flame.

“See, look kid, they’re friendly-“ the head candle launched a fireball at Tony’s chest.

“Mr. Stark!” Peter called, and shoved him out of the way.

“I just wanted to be friends,” Tony muttered as he sat up from where Peter had pushed him. The kid was standing in front of him now, dodging fireballs and molten wax. The gauntlet assembled around Tony’s arm as Shuri peaked around the aisle, staring uncomprehendingly at the aggressive candles. A second later she was storming towards them, her own gauntlets forming around her arms.

A man wearing a Thrasher t-shirt walked past their aisle, paused to glance at them, and sprinted away. Tony blasted a candle, and it burst into a puddle of bubbling wax. “Pete get everyone out. No one can know you’re Spider Man.“

Peter just nodded and hurried away, casting a glance over his shoulder. One of Shuri’s flip flops tripped her as she tried to advance down the aisle. With a curse she grabbed the strap with a toe and hurled it at one of the candles. It melted on impact, and a glob of rubber coated the head candle. Packaging was melting and lighting on fire all around them, and Shuri’s shirt caught from a flaming pack of pencils. 

Tony let out an involuntary yelp. Shuri didn’t seem to notice. She grabbed a pack of Bic pens and threw them at the lead candle where they melted into a bubbling navy blue mess. Her shirt continued to burn. She glanced down at it for a moment, a slight frown creasing her forehead, before returning to throwing things at the candles. Tony made the split second decision to focus on the candles instead of the rabid girl currently hurling fake plants down the aisle. Eventually they did manage to win, at the cost of a giant pool of wax slowly creeping across the floor. Shuri finally patted out her shirt. It looked good as new. Tony did not question it. He needed coffee. 

For a while they both just stood there, at a loss for what to do, slowly retreating from the spreading tide of wax. “Fuck,” Tony said after about five minutes of silence.

“Yeah,” Shuri said quietly.

“I brought Starbucks!” Peter said, much too loud.

“Fantastic,” Shuri said, making soot stained grabby hands. Peter dodged.

“For Mr. Stark,” he said, much more quietly. 

“Fantastic,” Tony said, snatching a venti coffee from where Shuri was about to grab it. She squawked in offense.

“I am the _princess_ ,” Shuri said, “of _Wakanda_. Give me a fucking coffee.”

“You’re also a bitch.” 

She turned to Peter with the most offended look he’d ever seen. He was almost impressed. But then she made another grab for the second coffee he was holding and Peter lost any respect he still held for her.

“ _Coffee_ ,” Shuri whined.

“ _No_ ,” Peter said, taking bitter satisfaction in her pain.

“I’m hungry enough to eat a goddamn candle,” Tony said, and they both paused amidst a complicated lunge and dodge to stare at him in mild horror.

“ _Damn_ ,” Shuri murmured. “ _Didn’t know he had the balls_.”

“How dare you,” he said. And then, “I do, yes. Massive ones.”

“Disgusting,” Shuri said at the same time that Peter said “Mr. Stark, _please_.”

“Right,” Tony said, more bravado in his voice than he really felt. “Shwarma, then.”

“You fucking sap,” Shuri said through the straw of Peter’s iced coffee.

“ _Hey_! That’s mine! You absolute table leg!”

“Harsh. Didn’t think you had it in you, Parker.”

“I will personally scalp you.”

“Shut it, both of you. I’m going to write a check to Target and then we’re getting food. One more word and the only thing you’re getting is brussel sprouts.” The squawk of offense was enough to echo throughout the store, and the Target employee passing by decided immediately that whoever the two kids with Iron Man were he never wanted to meet them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah <3


	5. in which tony's problems double

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i would say i have an excuse but the truth is that i haven't touched this document in liek 4 months but then i was trying to get to bed tonight and my single braincell finally granted me inspiration. anyway it's 3 am so don't expect too much

Peter walked into Tony’s lab with all the bravado one could have after crying over calculus. 

“Mr. Stark,” he said, dodging DUMM-E, “am I legally old enough to drop out and live a life of poverty and hijinks?”

“Peter,” Tony said, “go write your english essay.”

Peter glanced at Tony’s work table, looked away, did a double-take.

“Mr. Stark,” he said, “why is there a different quirky teenager with fluffy hair working on science with you?”

“Why do you assume you’re the only idiot I associate with?”

“My name is Harley, and how dare you,” said Harley. He was holding something in his mouth, which was probably a bad idea in a super hi-tech lab, but Peter made the executive decision not to comment on it.

“I call it like I see it,” Tony said, and then, “Kid go to your damn work.”

Peter crossed his arms. “Well now I don’t want to.”

“If I let you work down here will you do it? I could even help you. That’s what responsible adults do, right?”

Peter said “Mr. Stark I don’t think you’ve ever taken an english class in your life.”

Harvey said “Oh yeah I’m sure that would help  _ tons _ .”

Tony said “I do not appreciate the energy we have created in this room today.”

“Good,” said Peter and Harley in unison.

“Mr. Stark,” Peter whined, “I thought I was your only kid. And like, to be honest I would have been okay with the betrayal, except he looks like me but  _ worse _ , and the fact that you would cheat on me with someone who doesn’t even match or surpass my cuteness is kind of offensive-”

—“I resent that,” Harley snapped—

“-and like I kind of understood Shuri, because she’s a princess and like a super-genius or whatever, but I’m pretty sure this guy is neither of those things-”

—“ _ I resent that _ ,” Harley repeated—

“-so what I’m trying to say is I’m feeling really unappreciated right now, and a little bit offended, and I would like an explanation right this minute. Please,” Peter added after a moment.

“First of all,” Harley said, “I was Tony’s kid before you were. You’re second generation. Also, you don’t hold a candle to my cuteness or my brilliance.  _ Also _ also, I came here to have a good time and I’m honestly just feeling so attacked right now.”

Tony stared at them in confusion. He didn’t have any kids. He was kidless. What he meant to say was:  _ what the literal genuine fuck are you two yammering about. Shuri has more common sense than the two of you combined, also I  _ did  _ take english classes and I fucking aced them, fuck you both.  _

What he actually said was: “We don’t talk about candles.”

“So there,” Peter said, as though he proved a point.

“What the fuck,” Harley said. There was no point proven. Also, Peter was kind of cute, in an  _ I just had a breakdown to Take Me to Church on repeat _ kind of way, and that pissed him off.

“I need some goddamn coffee. Harley, pass me my coffee. Both of you get out. Peter do your english essay or I swear to god.”

“God is dead,” Harley said, draining Tony’s cold coffee. “I killed him.”

“How,” Peter said, arms crossed.

“My unparalleled intelligence and charisma,” Harley said, and walked out to Peter’s indignant sputtering about how  _ this isn’t a fucking DnD game, you imposter _ , and Tony’s whimpers at the loss of his day old coffee. 

  
  


_ @peterparkour _ -10 minutes ago

callout post for @ _ tonystark _ : a thread

_ @peterparkour _ -10 minutes ago

1: he has a second son which means hes cheating on me whoch is really homophobic and i don’t appreciate it

_ @peterparkour _ -9 minutes ago

2: he won’t buy more bowls

_ @peterparkour _ -9 minutes ago

3: he has never taken an english class in his life but he won’t let me drop out

_ @tonystark _ -7 minutes ago

Pete what the fuck?

_ @platypus2 _ -5 minutes ago

Tony you have kids?

_ @platypus2 _ -5 minutes ago

Wait are they actually your kids? TONY

_ @harley4davidsons _ -3 minutes ago

gonna get your ass parker 

  
  


**_Tuna shark_ ** _ to  _ **_Thing 1_ ** _ and  _ **_Thing 2_ **

_ tuna shark:  _ alright time for you two to work out whatever the fuck you’re arguing about

**_Thing 1_ ** _ is online _

_ Thing 1:  _ what is this

**_Thing 2_ ** _ is online _

_ Thing 1:  _ mr. stark why am i here

_ Thing 2:  _ tony why

_ Thing 2:  _ Tony why am i thing 2.

_ Thing 2:  _ tony

_ Thing 2:  _ tony why am i second. Tony-

**_tuna shark_ ** _ has changed  _ **_Thing 1_ ** _ ’s name to  _ **_Thing_ **

**_tuna shark_ ** _ has changed  _ **_Thing 2_ ** _ ’s name to  _ **_Also Thing_ **

_ tuna shark:  _ talk it out.

**_tuna shark_ ** _ has left the chat _

_ Thing:  _ MR. STARK WHY

_ Thing:  _ this is all your fault.

**_Also Thing_ ** _ has changed their name to  _ **_Best Starkling_ **

_ Best Starkling:  _ how.

**_Thing_ ** _ has changed their name to  _ **_peter parkour_ **

_ peter parkour:  _ you’re like a homewrecker but ugly and poor

_ Best Starkling:  _ how the fuck do you know i’m poor

_ peter parkour:  _ i bet u have knock off airpods

_ Best Starkling:  _ fuck you

_ peter parkour:  _ oh my god really

_ peter parkour:  _ i knew it

_ Read at 3:41 a.m. _

“Mr. Stark,” Peter said, “we’re out of cereal again.”

“ _ How.”  _ Tony’s voice verged on desperate. He had just bought a family size box of Froot Loops yesterday.

“This weird thing happens when you eat cereal where after you eat it there’s less of it remaining,” Peter explained. “You shouldn’t feel bad about not understanding right away. It took me a while to get it too.” He gave Tony a little pat on the shoulder as he walked behind him to show his support in Tony’s learning journey of object permanence.

“You’re both idiots,” Harley told them both, very unhelpfully in Peter’s opinion.

“That’s a really hurtful thing to say,” Peter told him before dunking his bacon into his coffee and eating it.

“I want you dead,” Harley told him seriously.

“If god couldn’t do it what makes you think you can?”

Tony rubbed his temples. All the arguing kind of made his head hurt. Also Rhodey hadn’t stopped harassing him about having sons. Nevermind that Tony didn’t  _ have  _ any kids. Rhodey wouldn’t believe him. He was too old for this.

“Both of you need to shut up,” Tony told them, much in the way you would make the same demand of a microwave. Both boys blinked at him in unison before returning to their argument. Harley stole a piece of bacon from Tony’s plate, only to wave it around to punctuate his argument. Tony stared at his lost piece of bacon with a sort of desolated exhaustion before letting his head fall to the table with a  _ thud _ , barely missing impaling himself on his fork.

The arguing above him stopped. “Mr. Stark?” Peter asked, with the audacity to sound concerned. Tony only grunted in response.

“I think someone poisoned his coffee,” Harley said seriously.

“Fuck, really?” Peter asked. A moment later there was the sound of Peter chugging Tony’s coffee. “I didn’t die,” he announced, with the audacity to sound a bit upset about the development. 

Tony grunted a little louder, as if to say  _ my grasp on my sanity is tenuous at best and with every loss of food or drink my grip grows weaker _ . Peter and Harley both interpreted it as the grunting of a man who probably hadn’t slept in over 48 hours, and not at all the other thing. In their defense, they were still right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> literally no idea when a thought will once again strike me. godspeed


End file.
